You know, the fact that it occurred "off-screen" was effective here because your narrator's voice was so clearly Ray's. There wasn't any separation; everything was made to feel intimate. Plus you caught such lovely details. I almost quoted this line before, but it seemed to belong with the rest of the paragraph, so I refrained. Silly, in retrospect:
"He'd held Bodie's head in his hands, felt the texture of his hair; his finger had traced the curve of his ear."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2007-01-04 09:01 pm (UTC)"He'd held Bodie's head in his hands, felt the texture of his hair; his finger had traced the curve of his ear."
Lovely moment. It just that gives me the shivers.