Pros fic - The Time for Tears

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

The Time for Tears
by Slantedlight

He'd wanted to cry when Ann left. He'd hurt her. He didn't, because there was no point, he'd made his choice, he'd let her drive away and he was alone.

He'd almost cried for Benny, for his last moments of fear and panic, and for the sheer waste of it, of all the things Benny had fought against and won in his life, only to lose it all and lie dying in a pile of rubbish bags and old takeaway cartons.

He'd felt tears most hot in his eyes when Bodie had been stabbed, when he had to walk beside him up that grim hospital corridor, Bodie's own eyes wild with fever and the burning heat of knife-slice infection. The waste of that life...

He'd been so close, then, to crying, and they'd barely known each other really; it was before they'd ever touched, ever stood naked together, with the joy of it all pulling at them, binding them ever more tightly.

And now there was nothing.

Now it was all over, now he would never feel that life in Bodie again.

He watched them as if from a distance, Cowley and Ruth and Jax and Michaels rushing forwards from the safety of the cars, checking pulses, calling for attention...

There was nothing he could do.

There was no point.

He knew that grey clouds scudded heavy above them all, that the tarmac was new and dark and black, and that it was hard, so hard.

He felt vaguely the cold wind rise around him, heard the scuff of leaves across the ground, wondered if he'd look up and see them, scattered across the body. No, it was better not to look this time, not to look, to see, to watch. But...

Bodie.

There.

It was as though he was being pulled backwards, the force of a hundred thousand wasted lives sliding around and through him, insistent. Drawn backwards and away, the world becoming tunnelled around him, until all he could see was Bodie, bright-jacketed against the grim day.

Bodie.

Doyle watched him as he bent over one of the other agents - Williams, he thought, that's right it was Williams who'd... Saw the moment that Bodie stilled suddenly, and turned away and towards him. That look on his face, oh that look on his face...

He wanted to speak, wanted to reassure him, but the words wouldn't come. There were no words left.

He watched as Bodie began to stand, saw every moment of it in slow motion, because surely he only had now, this was his last chance... The tunnel pulled, and he fought back against it because he wanted to see, one last time, the way the muscles in Bodie's thighs tightened, to remember the way they tightened around him , against his own as they moved in bed together, as Bodie moved under him and...

Remember, remember now ... remember Bodie's thighs beneath his own, remember laughing and coming up to kneel, straddling him, remember the look of his balls pulled tight against your own, of his hair and yours curling together, of his cock straining as yours was, wanting to be together , to be pressing and pushing and...

Remember it all, before it's too late, before you have to leave once and for all.

Bodie striding across the carpark towards him, as the cold wind blew around, as the clouds rushed overhead, and the darking world grew dimmer.

Bodie's face near his, his eyes... He could see every eyelash separately now, could watch them fall in a blink, rise again... Dark they were, against Bodie's skin, he'd stare at them as they lay in bed together, sleeping or not sleeping, breathing...

Bodie wouldn't understand, he couldn't, he... How could he stay, now? They were the heroes, they were supposed to protect , supposed to sweep in, to save the world before ridiculous drama turned to screaming tragedy and to make it through to the end. But what happened when they came to the end?

Bodie frowning down at him. His face...

Breathe.

"What's wrong?"

Bodie's voice that, clear over everyone else, over everything else...

"Doyle?"

Breathe.

Blink.

"She's dead."

The world speeding up, because it was true, she was dead and nothing would bring her back. He said it to Bodie, because Bodie would understand that he'd had enough, that he had to get out... Bodie knew him.

"Yeah." Bodie sighed. "Before she even hit the ground, probably."

"If I'd been faster..."

"If you'd been faster you would have hit Williams instead of her, and she would have pulled the pin and someone else would be dead. Alot of someones, me included."

"She's... She was only seventeen..."

"She made her choice, just like you did, and Popescu and the rest of his nasty little mates."

"Yeah..." And yet... "Someone should have been paying attention, seen the way she was going."

Bodie shrugged, because Bodie believed in looking after yourself. So - what if he was right? Stasi, young Stasi, had followed her own paths in life and they could have taken her anywhere, anywhere at all...

"Alright?"

They could have taken her to eighteen years old.

He blinked again, sniffed and remembered finally that he was still holding his gun. Bad thing to forget, that. "Yeah." He slid it into his holster, smooth as butter, as silk, as ice. "Is Williams going to be okay?"

"Mostly just shock, clean in and out."

"Right."

Bodie was watching him carefully still, and he let the world slow down again for long enough to look back at him, to feel the pull of Bodie's eyes, his life, his world. The girl was dead, but Bodie was still there after all. It would all happen over again when it happened, because people were what they were. He took another breath, deeper, let it out.

Bodie gave him a nod, then. "Come on, let's get on with it, eh? Reports to write, beer to drink..."

He threw his arm around Doyle's shoulder for a moment as they headed back to the car, bent his head low to mutter into his ear, gave Doyle's chest a couple of solid pats for good measure. Doyle breathed, and blinked and sniffed again, before shoving him off, and getting in a dig of his own, and then they were away, chasing and scuffling through the dead autumn leaves, nearly winter again, but it would be spring after that.

October 2008


Title: The Time for Tears
Author: Slantedlight
Slash or Gen: Slash
Archive at ProsLib/Circuit: Certainly
Disclaimer: Not mine for the money, but ours for the love.
Notes: My fanon prompt was "Doyle always cries" - and there was no kind of parody that would come, so you've got this instead... Hmmn! Many many thanks to shooting2kill and angel_ci5 for patient beta reading and making sense of things! *g*

Comments

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you didn't follow your prompt to the letter! Nobody... I don't like an always crying Doyle! :-)

Your description of his shock really goes under my skin.
That reaction is new, but nonetheless Bodie can read him so well.
I think they both knew that they weren't talking about the girl...

Thank you!

[ailcia.livejournal.com]

Argggh, it was so hard to work out what was what in the opening half... I kept thinking Bodie had died, and then I was like "HUH! NO, ITS CLEARLY DOYLE!" and then it wasn't... That, incidentally, is a very long-winded way of attempting to compliment you on your ability to make shock and such sensations seem achingly real. :D

[schnuffi.livejournal.com]

Evil you! I thought Bodie had died so I scrolled down to make sure as I don't read death fic. And I got even more confused after that thinking that maybe Doyle was about to die. But in the end it all made sense. So I'm glad I read it *G*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Lol - my prompt was fanon, things that fans/fic says are true that aren't really supported by the canon of the eps, so I agree with you! We see Doyle get tear-y a couple of times, but he's never the weeping heart that alot of fic makes him...

Thank you - I love to hear how people read stories in all different kinds of ways! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Awww - thank you! *vbg* And especially cos the way you read it is exactly how I was writing it to read, although I had a feeling that maybe no one else would read it like that, but you did and hooray! And phew. *g*

[ailcia.livejournal.com]

Nah! Very cleverly done, smart-arse! :P

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Lol - see, this is exactly why I won't give warnings for any fic I write! If I'd given a warning for it, then it would have spoiled the whole point of it all, which was supposed to be the rush of Doyle's thoughts and his confusion about how he felt about it at all. If I'd said "don't worry, no one dies!" it would have detracted from the way people read it... and if I'd left this fic unwarned, but used warnings in other fic, then the same thing would have happened, cos people would have thought "well, she's not warned for this, so I know what's happened...".

I don't mind people scrolling down to read the ending first if they're that way inclined, but I don't want to spoil things for people who just want to experience the fic, no matter what happens...

If that makes sense. /ramble. *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Heeeeeeeeee!

:p

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

Well you know - not being a native speaker allows me to (mis)interpret things the way I like! :-)

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

I don't agree!
Under no circumstances I want to read a death story!!!
It would DESTROY eyery story - how beautifully it may be written!
And I really would wish that such warnings would be done!!!

Please!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

But that's the thing about writing anyway - it is interpreted differently by different people, cos the way we read things is always based on our own experiences and so on, not isolated into something the writer wants it to be... But there are many better people than me who've said that, so I shall be quiet now! *g*

Glad you liked it anyway!

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Sorry - never going to happen for my fics. I know that might mean some people don't read them, and that's their decision, but... I don't think writers need to be responsible for the emotions evoked in readers, because I don't think they can be... No writer can control the way a reader reads their stories, because we each bring our own experiences to the reading. And I don't think it's fair for people to say "Well, making me think this is okay, but making me think that isn't okay at all, and..." - it's up to us to take our own individual responsibility for how we feel/what we read/how we react etc.

See, I'm the other way around from you - knowing up front that something is a death story (for example) completely DESTROYS the story for me. There's no emotional impact left at all, it's a much colder, more theoretical way of perhaps wondering how the writer is going to take me there then. In fact, why read the story once you know the ending?

So my warning is that I don't give warnings, ever. I think there are ways around this for people who want to know the outcome of a story first - but once you're told the ending you can never not know, so why should I impose that on people? I hate hate hate having it imposed on me, which so many people are happy to do... Grrr!

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

I

It was as though he was being pulled backwards, the force of a hundred thousand wasted lives sliding around and through him, insistent. Drawn backwards and away, the world becoming tunnelled around him, until all he could see was Bodie, bright-jacketed against the grim day.

I really liked this line. Very powerful. You evoked a feeling of depression, sadness and loss. And yes, I felt that even after I read the end first, then went back and read the story through.

I'm happy Doyle let Bodie give him some measure of comfort in the end. It shows how secure he is in his world with Bodie in it.

(No warnings is okay with me. I know enough to check out a story when I get a feeling I might not like the end.)

[solosundance.livejournal.com]

ooh I love Bodie standing up in slow motion, that's excellent. With you on warnings. The best death stories are the ones you don't see coming *g* (bit like life really)

[firlefanzine.livejournal.com]

No problem! If I know it, I can always start your stories with the end first!
"The journey is the reward"! :-)
(Do you never read stories twice - knowing the end?)

[erushi.livejournal.com]

You did a marvelous job conveying that bewildering sense of floundering and being lost when in shock, so me hat's off to you! Had me quite unable to catch my breath as I read your lines in the first half... though some might have been due to the confusion as to whether it was Bodie's death we were talking about. And for that, I shall have to wave a rolled up Pros poster threateningly in your general direction. *g* I was a good girl and didn't scroll down to the end for a peek, though!

[biani.livejournal.com]

You´re a tease! I was almost convinced you´d let Bodie die when you took the story into a different direction. Not that I mind death stories, not at all, but I liked your take on the Doyle always crying prompt. Well done!

Oh, and I recently read Discovered out of Context and wanted to let you know that I loved the story :-).

[siskiou.livejournal.com]

For a minute there (as you well knew!*g*), I thought I would regret reading this, but Bodie was not dead, of course. And then it sounds like it might actually be Doyle who is.

Bodie was watching him carefully still, and he let the world slow down again for long enough to look back at him, to feel the pull of Bodie's eyes, his life, his world.

Ah, what a way with words you have!

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

Love that confusing rush that we share, right along with Doyle. So intense. And I love the way Bodie suddenly comes into focus, as it were. And then the way they leave the scene together and head for the car - just a great image there. Magical stuff, my friend, thank you.

[saintvic.livejournal.com]

This was tremendously atmospheric and I loved the shifts that happened throughout it as it kept me intrigued and wanting desperately to know what happened. Thought this was excellent, thank you.

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

I thought this was a beautifully written piece and contained all the ingredients of a story which you're so good at: intrigue, mystery, layers (nothing is what it seems) and a strong atmosphere which conveyed so many things: fear, sadness, anxiety, and in the end, relief!

Thank you.

[izzie7.livejournal.com]

Very cleverly crafted, so the reader really does wonder what exactly is going on. I was convinced for a while that it was Doyle who was dying, & Williams already dead - & greatly relieved to find out that I was wrong! There were some beautiful descriptions here.

[greengerbil.livejournal.com]

Ah, stuff it. I'd written a long, carefully thought-out comment about how much I like this and why, and as soon as I went to post it I was logged off the hotel's internet because I'd been inactive for ten minutes...how?? when I'm writing a *&^% post??
OK - quick comment. First Bodie's dead - you think. Then Doyle's dead - you think. Then it's not them but Doyle's at the end of his tether because of having to kill the girl, and Bodie helps him to pull himself back in to the world, and... liked it. Liked it lots, reading with bated breath because I know you don't do warnings and - yaay! No death fic, but moving and bleak and... Bodie is so the centre of Doyle's world, isn't he?

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Oh, I read stories dozens of times over, but when I do that I'm reading with a different mind-set. I'm only re-reading stories that I've consciously forgotten (and I generally remember them again half-way through) or else, more commonly, stories that I loved the first time, and want to re-read for the joy of whatever emotion they did arouse in me, whether that's happiness, sadness, joy, whatever. The impact of the story is different then, for me - in some ways it's lessened by knowing what's going to happen, but then there's also value-added because I'm looking forward to what I know is going to happen! So re-reading is a whole different experience for me... *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And yeah, I love the idea that our lads rescue each other all the time, just by existing and being themselves... *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *g* And yes - I knew it couldn't be just me who thinks like that! And without the sad bits of life, we couldn't enjoy the happy bits so joyously much... *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Yeay, so glad - I was very worried that it wasn't going to work, and I'd just have everyone looking at me sideways wondering why I'd let them think one thing when it turned out not to be true, and then something else which turned out not to be true, and... *ducks Pros poster, although is actually really curious about which one it is* But instead there was bewildering and there was floundering, so yeay!

And thank you! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Hee - I know, it was a bit tease-y, but... Glad you liked it anyway, thanks!

And whee - glad you liked Discovered Out Of Context too! *vbg*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Aww - thank you! I'm all smiling hugely here right now! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

So, so glad that you were sharing it all with Doyle - I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to make that work properly, so phew! *vbg* And thank you just for being your usual, lovely self... *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm so glad it worked, that was exactly what I was hoping people would think! *vbg*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I do rather love it when you sort of describe my fic back to me, because you have such a lovely way with words, and I do like knowing how you've read something, and what it meant to you! Thank you! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I was ever so worried that I'd get it wrong and everybody would simply be looking huh? at me, so I'm pleased to know that it did work! Cheers! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Oh, I so hate it when that happens - and you in the depths of a hotel too, where you don't expect that sort of thing! But apart from that - yeay for bated breath (*g*) and yes! Bodie is the absolute centre of the world Doyle lives in! Thank you! *vbg*

[erushi.livejournal.com]

*ducks Pros poster, although is actually really curious about which one it is*

It's this one (http://cgi.ebay.com.sg/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=310041325502&ssPageName=ADME:B:EOIBSA:SG:11). I bought it quite a while back, but never did get around to putting it up because I couldn't bear the thought of sticking blue-tack to it - thus it's rolled-up state.*g* I was actually contemplating it shortly before I read this fic, which in turn influenced by comment.

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I seem to be in this vicious circle at the moment where I see something I like and want to say so, but something happens and I leave it 'till later and then later it feels like I don't have anything enough worth saying because it's later, and and and - but I really just want to say (apart from the fact that you have an evil streak! but you knew that ... *bg*) that I love this but I especially love the slow motion and the tunnel, I'm sure those things really do happen when you're in shock or under extreme stress (well something a bit like that happened to me once, not that I'd shot anyone - hardly! - but I was underneath a shower of falling glass - slow motion, yes definitely, sort of tunnel vision effect with the rest of the world going away into a blur round the edges - yes, I think so - fortunately for me even the most untrained body can sometimes take over successfully, and mine got me out of the way while my mind was still wondering why the glass was falling so slowly). So on the one hand it's true, late comments can be just as inane and OT, but on the other hand I love how true Doyle's reactions ring here, and how Bodie brings him back.

and then they were away, chasing and scuffling through the dead autumn leaves, nearly winter again, but it would be spring after that. And your last line is so beautiful, just right for them right now!

[angel-ci5.livejournal.com]

You paint such a vivid and atmospheric scene with your words, I can just picture Doyle watching events in those bleak surroundings, with this almost surreal quality... and I just love that Bodie "bright jacketed" is like a shining light amongst all this grimness... a clever, beautiful and poignant story, thank you!

[asymphototropic.livejournal.com]

Oh, nifty evolution to revelation, very. Glad the unsettled feeling resolved to comfort in the end.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Lol - I totally know what you mean about looking and waiting and commenting and worrying about commenting and... *g* Feel free to delay-comment like this any time you like though... *vbg* Cos... thank you! *g*

And yes! for the slow motion thing! When I came off the motorbike everything was such slow motion - very weird, because I was actually really really conscious of having time to open my eyes and see the ground above me and the sky below - very classic, eh?! - and to think Good job I'm wearing a crash helmet before I hit - and I wasn't that far away from the ground when I saw it! And d'you remember what time was like when you were a kid? Totally different again! It's like... time doesn't exist, only our perception of time, which should mean that... well, all sorts of things really, right? *g* But you use it to escape from falling glass, and I use it to tunnel Doyle to Bodie, so it works in any case! *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Well thank you very much! *dances a very happy dance indeed* *vbg*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Nope - absolutely no idea what you said just there! But I shall take it as a compliment... *g*

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Ah, that one! *vbg* I have a movie poster of MS in Ladder of Swords which I'm desperate to have up somewhere, but it's massive and this isn't my room to hang things on... So it's waiting for me to have a house and afford a frame or summat - but in the meantime I do fret about all the fold marks that it's no doubt further acquiring...