The Daily Xmas Cracker: The Core of the Matter

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

This is my due offerring for the Xmas Cracker challenge; hope my post is not too late for the early readers. I first intended to make several Pros animated "snow balls" and I did but I had forgotten it's not possible to connect to the pictures maker's site (which is needed) from my office computer , and since I have to work today... So I decided to give rather a story: short, slash and still unpublished.

Fandom: The Professionals (of course!)
Author: Francis Kerst
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Bodie/Cowley
Rating: Adult
Archive: Anywhere
Warning: It's undoubtedly and unredeemingly Bodie/Cowley and very slash indeed, though not graphic, or too much explicit. It's also quite sentimental, which is not my usual manner (the reason why I hadn't published it)..

Ideally, I should have done a Boxing Day story, but my change of mind was too late; no time left for that; So, just imagine it takes place today, only thirty two years ago.


The Core of the Matter
by Francis Kerst

In a rare move of abandon, Cowley rested his head on Bodie's shoulder. He looked exhausted. Age and pain showed cruelly on the craggy features.

Fine, thought Bodie, I can see what he'll be like when he's a hundred years old. He shifted his position on the couch slightly, so to have an easier reach of his companion's face, and gently ran his hand across the old man's lined brow and wrinkled cheeks, as if to smooth out the softened flesh.

The tenderness of the gesture made Cowley shiver. “Ach, Bodie...” He sighed and couldn't go on. The young man kept on stroking his face wordlessly.

“Bodie, don't!” protested Cowley with more vigour.

“Don't what?” asked Bodie, still massaging Cowley's temples.

“Don't do that.”

“Why? Don’t you like it?” And not waiting for an answer: “Or maybe you like it too much?” He grinned smugly. “I love it when I can make you lose control.”

Cowley recovered his composure and withdrew. “Don't play games with me.”

“I don't!”

“Not consciously, maybe. But you are playing with my failings and I can't let that happen.”

“Don't take it that way!” Bodie was getting worried. “I was just trying to make you smile...”

“This is not a matter of fun,” scolded Cowley, “we are on dangerous ground, and you mean danger to me, Bodie.”

Bodie was praying now. “Please, don't say that! I wouldn’t ever do anything that could harm you in the least, either you or CI5, you know that.”

Cowley sighed again, deeply.

“I know, Bodie, you won't do it, not willingly, not knowingly, but yet, you are the greatest temptation I ever met.” He sat on the couch. Bodie made a move to get closer but Cowley forbade it with a barring hand. “The simple fact of our being intimate, of meeting regularly, is in itself too big a risk.”

“I don't take risks," claimed Bodie, indignantly, “What do you think? Really! If anybody should know that, it's you!; I've to be cautious every day in my job, and even so more with your life and CI5's interests at stake.”

Cowley let out a thin smile. "Be as cautious as you want; someday you'll make a mistake; I'll make a mistake. Actually I already did.”

He turned his eyes from Bodie's imploring gaze. “Anyway, I didn’t mean external dangers only.” He paused. “You are a disturbance, Bodie, a constant cause of trouble for me; a constant threat to my peace of mind, and that's the last thing I can allow in my position.”

Bodie bit his lip. He didn't want to say another word, lest it called for some definitive answer from the other man that would make things irremediable, but he couldn't help blurting out miserably: “I don't want to lose you.”

Cowley's voice was very even. “I don't want to lose you either, Bodie, but so what? Nothing lasts for ever, not the secrets, not the feelings. You can't bury your whole life with an old man. Someday you'll leave me. That, at least, is certain. Could be smoothly, for a better future; could be, more probably, in dire circumstances. So why not now, when it can be done easily and painlessly?”

Bodie felt a surge of panic. “No, I won't leave you, not today, not tomorrow, not ever! Why do you assume...? That's unfair! You are not old! I mean, I don't mind if you are old...Oh, shit!” He was on the verge of tears and too upset to bother.

Cowley pretended not to notice. He was shaken himself and this was something he hadn't been for a long time, a very long time indeed. The situation was getting complicated. He remembered Bodie's words: “a little innocuous body relief, nothing serious, that's something we both need from time to time...” He had been foolish enough to believe their relationship would stay on that level. Seems Bodie has not been sincere then; but he was now, terribly sincere, and that changed everything.

However he was not up to taking drastic decisions in the mental and physical condition he was in at the moment. His leg was sheer torture and the current threat weighing on CI5's mere existence should have absolute priority in his preoccupations. Assuredly he could do with a little bodily relief.

He resumed his first position on the couch, not as close to Bodie as previously but not far either. For once, he felt weak and irresolute. He had not to feign weariness to escape a difficult explanation. “I was only speaking hypothetically; I am not pushing you away, Bodie, if you want to stay; though I certainly can't understand why.”

That was enough for Bodie to brighten up. He grinned. The ingenuity of this grin cut through the old man's defenses like a thorn under a fingernail. He let it go.

Hours later he was lying by his lover's side, his left arm across the other man's chest. He could feel the fast beat of the heart in synch with the fast breathing. As usual when his leg was aching too much, he had left Bodie to take charge and permitted himself to “simply enjoy the ride” as the young man would say in his colourful language. Well, enjoyed it he had; utterly and selfishly. Curiously he was less tired than he had been before, and the pain was gone.

Selfish, he thought with a pang of shame, when the repletion of his senses had brought to him a revival of lucidity, and not just for this time; it was purely selfish of me to accept Bodie's proposal to begin with. I am using him to assuage my unhealthy passions. How can he not be aware of this? He looked down at the beautiful face turned towards him, eyes closed and mouth half open. The boyish features showed only peace and contentment.

This was an answer in a way, but not one he could welcome with a pure conscience.

I'd love to get feed-back, even from people who'd hate it

Comments

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I'll be honest and say that B/C is not my cup of tea *g* but I just wanted to thank you for posting us an xmas cracker today - and I hope we'll get a chance to see the snowballs later too!

[potztausend.livejournal.com]

I don't hate B/C, but I can't imagine them in my mind's eye. Still I tried to read it as just a normal story as any other Pros story ;-). I think Cowley's portrait is well written, I can imagine him talking and thinking like this. I have more difficulties with a weeping Bodie (it's the same in B/D stories), because I think he would rather lock his feelings in the case he is rejected than weep.

I thought a while about the reason why I cannot imagine them as a couple. It's not Cowley's age, because I can image the two "Lewis" men with one another. On the one hand I don't think of Cowley as a man with a sexual conation, on the other hand he looks more fragile than Bodie or Doyle, with less physical strength.

I chose my one and only Cowley icon - but maybe you don't like it for your story ;-) No offense!

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

Your icon looks perfect for the scene I decribe here! Cowley is quite disturbed and even scared.

The slightly mushy tone of this little story is the reason why I chose to keep it in my drawer for ages. However it's explained by the context of physical intimacy which makes their interaction to get more emotional than it would have been if the conflict had occured in more "neutral" circumstances (even on the same topic): during a meal, for example. Probably their reactions would then have been a stony face from Bodie and acerbic retorts from Cowley. Though I must observe that Bodie is not weeping (just looking on the point to, but not actually doing so), but simply pleading for something he deems more important than his pride.

I don't see Bodie and Cowley as a couple (no more than Bodie and Doyle; they are partners and best mates, which is completely different): The Bodie and Cowley relationship is more of the knight / lord kind in my eyes (in the medieval ideology, it's an extremely strong bond, even stronger than the father / son one). And this warlike bond has acquired along the way, and the fights, an homo-erotic quality that I personally see as more touching (because it's doomed) and more interesting (because it's very complex) than the B/D partnership. But I know I am very isolated in that point of view.

Thanks for having made the effort to comment on a fic involving a pairing that is not your taste. It's really a hardship for me to write texts I know won't only reach a couple of readers.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

As you know, I like Pros for the Bodie/Doyle relationship, and I find it difficult to believe in Bodie/Cowley, but if I did then this would be a nice little moment for them - Cowley's doubts, which he would surely often have, and Bodie's... almost innocence? about them...

I hope you find people who can enjoy it more for what it is, too!

[sc-fossil.livejournal.com]

As an overall comment, the story is written nicely from Cowley's POV. He reads like "himself" to me, not happy with where he and Bodie find themselves.

Thanks for posting!

[milomaus.livejournal.com]

OH dear, as totally addicted to B/D, even your first sentence makes me cringe, I am so sorry, but I won´t read any more...

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

Glad you share my take of the Cowley character; I wanted to show his contradictions and failings but also his lucidity and moral questionings about his own behaviour, in a realistic way.

[lillianorchid.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed reading this, thank you for posting! :) You write very well.

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

You remind me quite usefully that I had first thought to place an innocuous looking couple of sentences before the cut: I'll see to that next time.

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

Thanks; I think to use this little piece in a broader work, with a background which could make its emotional "feel" more credible.

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

You are of course perfectly entitled to your like and dislike; if I limited myself to speaking with lovers of B/C, I would quickly be condemned to silence.

Yes, I intend to post the snowballs next week-end.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Actually if you want to give a "warning" of any kind, it should go in the trailer - as described on the User Info page guidelines to posting. You should give title, author, pairing (that's where people would see it was B/C if they wanted to before reading) and whether you give permission for it to be archived at the end, under a cut. You can see how other people have done it on their story posts, for examples.

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your understanding of my weird affections. Though I doubt that my characters would have called this a "nice little moment"!

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

That was meant as a joke but you are right about the need of a trailer; I omitted it because I was in a hurry and at work; I'm going to put one for future readers. Note there was a very clear warning, though.

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Ah, sorry - I'm only just now having my first cup of coffee! *g*

Note there was a very clear warning, though.
That might actually have been a problem - we try to avoid spoiling people with warnings here, that's why we ask for trailers at the end (where people who use this comm/read the user info page know where to find them) and not at the beginning! I didn't say anything, because giving the pairing isn't really a warning you know - when we took a poll a few years ago, that was the information that the vast majority of people agreed they wanted to know before a story, what the pairing was. But there was no agreement on more information, so anything else we hide behind a cut - the best we can do to satisfy all parties!

And you really aren't the only person who does like/read B/C you know - though it might feel like that at times!

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

I wrote "trailer" but I was thinking "header"; I put one at the beginning.

Personally, the only warning I would ask for (outside BDSM) would be: Female OC (even in a non-het context) because they are so annoying usually (and I'm not innocent in that, I'm aware we all love our own OC and hate others' ones).

[golden-bastet.livejournal.com]

I think you know I'm not into B/C, but I'm all about people having the right to their individual kink. And I wanted to make sure to respond.

I don't see Bodie and Cowley as a couple (no more than Bodie and Doyle; they are partners and best mates, which is completely different): The Bodie and Cowley relationship is more of the knight / lord kind in my eyes (in the medieval ideology, it's an extremely strong bond, even stronger than the father / son one). And this warlike bond has acquired along the way, and the fights, an homo-erotic quality that I personally see as more touching (because it's doomed) and more interesting (because it's very complex) than the B/D partnership. But I know I am very isolated in that point of view.

This makes a *lot* of sense to me, and is a lot more intriguing than a straight-on pairing (forbidden fruit, Grecian ideals, and all that). I could see some pretty excellently-written fics coming out of this scenario. (I can even see Cowley's drinking playing a role in this, LOL. Joke, but I could.)

I also can definitely see Cowley's reaction in this situation; it would b a danger and a threat to CI5 - thus much inner conflict. Not as sure about Bodie; but, since you've mentioned this is a work in progress, it may be due to that.

I hope you do continue with this; I'd like to see where you take it.

[golden-bastet.livejournal.com]

And sorry about all the edits; I kept thinking of things to say. :-)

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

I can even see Cowley's drinking playing a role in this

Are you psychic? You should watch for the next installments of my current long story (invery slow progress, alas).

This one is for now a stand alone piece; I have to finish my mega WIP first (we always can hope) before developing it into a longer fic.

Bodie is absolutely sincere in my eyes: he is suffering of a bad case of hero-worship turned to severe addiction.

I must clarify my position about Bodie and Doyle not being a couple: I would maintain that even in a slash B/D context (which I don't dismiss; I started with it, as everyone else). For me "a couple" evokes the typical M/F relationship, a kind of relations I don't see between men who are primarily partners and friends. My change of pairing was partly caused by my growing feel of tiredness while reading more and more B/D stories looking more and more like romances (I was already getting sickened by romances at age eight, having been raised by sentimental spinsters aunts).

[franciskerst.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry; I do that all the time.