Discovered on a Summer Holiday: Holiday by PFL

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I wasn't going to participate, given the chaos that is my life at present. But then byslantedlight  extended the deadline. And, um, I sort of had this idea that would not let go.  I admit I was going for...intensity--and writing it was wonderfully cathartic.  So, I offer no apologies!  Well, okay, maybe a small apology.



Holiday
By PFL

He absorbed the sun, right down into his bones.  It was never like this in England, even on the rare, really hot day.  Here, on this Greek beach, it was all white heat, sand, and rock--and the sun burning through to his core.

"You're going to fry, like Icarus."

Doyle kept his eyes closed.  "Melt.  And it wasn't him."

"Eh?" 

"His wings melted, not him."  He felt the shadow as Bodie came to stand beside him.  If he opened his eyes, he'd see him--and it was a sight to behold.  Bodie, dressed in nothing but black spandex; water glistening on his body; smelling of the sea.  His skin was still as white as the cliffs that rose behind them--except where Doyle had marked him.  Praxiteles might have sculpted him--the warrior at rest, his strength preserved in marble.  But he'd be warm under Doyle's hands, alive--

Doyle opened his eyes, and blinked in the searing light.  There was darkness in the center--Bodie--

Pedant.

He heard Bodie's voice--filled with humour; filled with affection.  They'd made love in the night, after the breeze had cooled the cottage, and darkness had enveloped them in their own world. He'd tasted Bodie, and traced the contours of his body, felt his weight and his strength, and his need.  Bodie was rock solid in body and spirit--a contrast to his own more mercurial temperament.  How he'd come to depend on him, need him--

"--Doyle."  Cowley's voice was low, filled with immeasurable grief.  "It's time, lad."

No.  He closed his eyes to shut out the sight:  Bodie's skin still white, but the warmth gone.  Muscles that held no power, no strength.  Eyes that stared and saw nothing.  Nothing.  No.

Do it, Doyle. And it was Bodie again, so clear in his mind.  He was always impatient, except on the job--eager for pleasure; intolerant of sentiment, of cowardice.  Duty came first.  We signed on for the job.  One last duty, then.  And he'd fly free, directionless, too close to the sun without his anchor.  He'd burn, and be glad of it.

One holiday.  One fucking holiday.  And the last barriers between them had dropped, left behind with duty and discipline and the ever present violence of their lives.  Santorini had welcomed them--two amongst hundreds, unnoticed in the crowd.  His arm had brushed against Bodie's, and Bodie hadn't pulled away.  In their cottage, the slant of the setting sun had set ablaze the blue in Bodie's eyes.  Bodie had walked across the room to him--power and grace intertwined.  Bodie had cursed and smiled as he'd taken Doyle's mouth.  There had been no hesitation, no holding back, for either of them.  All that they were, all that had been built between them had come out.  At last, at last.  One time; one holiday; one bloody moment away--

And then a second moment, filled with violence and blood and gutting despair.  He'd reached Bodie, and the body that had been so generous in pleasure, that had responded to his slightest touch, had been still.  Pale skin had been streaked with scarlet.  And his heart--that proud heart--had been silent.  As it had never been before, even in refusal.

We signed on for the job.  We can't have both.

We can.

"I can't."  Bodie was steady, sure--and sometimes implacable.

"Bodie."  Cowley's voice wrapped around Doyle's own. 

"Ray?"  He'd never heard Bodie so defenceless, so revealing--not on holiday, not that night, not in life.  The sun beckoned, the seductive heat of immolation.  Warm fingers rested on the back of his hand.  Warm.  Not his then, not--  The fingers closed around his hand, tightly, painfully.  "For God's sake, Ray." 

And it seemed for a moment his own heart stopped.  The universe paused.  Stop all the clocks...

"You stupid git."  He felt a tremor in the hand that gripped his.

He opened his eyes to light and shadow.  He could detect no pattern, resolve no image, but he knew the fingers that held his.  "Bodie?"  His voice was a croak. He remembered screaming.  He tried to move, but he couldn't.

"Ssh.  Lie still."

"You're dead."  Tears filled his eyes, soothing the burn, but obscuring the light.  He blinked and turned his head.

"Bodie."  Cowley again.  This must be real.  "The doctor said--"

"In a fucking minute.  Ray, I'm not dead."

"Your...heart."

"Stopped.  But they got it going again."

"I don't...."  Light, he remembered light--like the sun.  It burned.

"You got them out, Ray.  The hostages are safe."

The job. He'd done the job.  He hadn't cared.  He moved his head.  "You're...."

Bodie's hand tightened on his.  "I'm here.  I'm alive.  I'll recover; so will you.  We'll be fine."

We'll be fine.  Back home.  Back to normal.  Back to the pain of dying a little every day.  "Rather have...the sun." 

"Then you'll have it.  We'll go back to Santorini.  We'll go any damn place you want."

He tried to pull his hand away, but Bodie held tight.  "Cowley."

"It doesn't matter."

"Can't...see."

"You will."  There was no doubt in his voice.  "You'll live."

"Bodie."  Cowley again, and his voice was hushed, as if choked.

"Don't you fucking leave me, Ray."

"No."  He tried to turn his hand, but Bodie's grip was too tight.  "Hard."  So damn hard to be with him.  He closed his eyes.

"It's easy.  You and me."  There was movement in the room--other voices.  Bodie's tone sharpened.  "Ray!"

"The...job."

"Has taken enough.  Fuck the job.  Just you and me."

He forced his eyes open, and this time he saw more--colours and shapes.  Shadow that surrounded white and blue. 

"Mr Bodie, you must leave now."  A new voice.

"Please, Ray?"  He'd never heard Bodie sound like that.

"Fear."  It was fear speaking.

"Mr Cowley--"

"No.  Sense."  And now Bodie's voice was like an anchor settling onto bedrock.

He was finally able to move his hand, and turned it within Bodie's grasp.  "Guilt."

"No.  Certainty."  Steady, sure, and sometimes implacable.  "A permanent holiday."

He gripped Bodie's hand, although his fingers lacked strength.  "Yeah, all right, then."   His eyes closed.  The sun would welcome them, but so would the wind, and the rain.  Winter, summer, spring, and autumn.  Together.

"I'll be here when you wake."

And he would wake.

September 2008

Title: Holiday
Author: PFL
Slash or Gen: Slash
Archive at ProsLib/Circuit: Yes
Disclaimer: Usual
Notes: Thank you to Elizabeth O'Shea and O Anonymous One for not freaking out and for being very patient. *g*

Comments

[draycevixen.livejournal.com]

I refuse to accept your apology... unless you agree to offend me again in this manner. *g*

There's some lovely composition work going on in very few words here. The turning back and forth between the holiday, Bodie's refusal to mix business with pleasure *g*, the hostage situation, their physical injuries and the hospital. no partridge in a pear tree was harmed during the writing of this story

And then you gather it all up in one tiny paragraph: We'll be fine. Back home. Back to normal. Back to the pain of dying a little every day. "Rather have...the sun."

Lovely... and there's that little achey feeling in the middle of my chest again. Thank you for that! ♥

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I would gladly offend you again--if I had any time! Maybe one of these Wednesday challenges...after September.

That little achey feeling? That's what I was going for. *g* Thank you for letting me know!

[draycevixen.livejournal.com]

Well as long as you understand that the only reason you're not being beaten senseless with the pokey stick is because I refuse to add that pressure to your existing stress levels we're all right. Erm... that sounded more complimentary in my head... It's my intention to keep the challenges going as long as anyone is interested in taking part, so hopefully there'll be something to interest you in October. *g* And again, thanks.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Might I just point out that if I'm beaten senseless, I can't write? But I am glad to be poked asked.*g*

[draycevixen.livejournal.com]

Well, in your case I was just speaking figuratively, as an illustration of my enthusiasm. *g* Frankly, being beaten senseless improves my work, but we all have our own methods. *nods sagely*

So consider yourself poked asked, whenever you can find some time to breathe and unwind.

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

Yowser.

Be back with coherency after me breakfast..

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Needed time to, er, digest it, did you? *g*

Mind you, I got this first on my phone, which is always a pain as you have to scroll through the entire post before you can get to the comment. And sometimes the phone refuses to deliver it all, if it's a long story. So, there I was, scrolling away, determined to read one comment before getting to the usual early morning stuff...and this is what I found. Hmmph! So, 'yowser'...good, bad? I don't know!" But there was this second comment...

[callistosh65.livejournal.com]

Breakfasted and back..*g* An achingly wonderful little tale. If this is what you produce in chaos, then I'm very sorry, but I'm tempted to wish chaos upon you at all times. He'd reached Bodie, and the body that had been so generous in pleasure, that had responded to his slightest touch, had been still. Pale skin had been streaked with scarlet. And his heart--that proud heart--had been silent. As it had never been before, even in refusal. My heart just about stopped here - I love this description, it's just beautifully done. And the confusion in the last part - Back to the pain of dying a little every day. "Rather have...the sun." Oh my, what I want for them as well at this point. I'm marking this as a favourite, m'dear.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I'm tempted to wish chaos upon you at all times
Ha! I came this close to killing off Bodie, you know! *g*

Oh my, what I want for them as well at this point
The sun bit can be read two different ways, you know. Holiday, yes. But also immolation and death. Go out in a flash, rather than a slow drain. I'm just saying! *g*

Thank you. This was a moody little piece that, quite frankly, took me over. And probably reflects my mood a little too well. *g* I'm so glad you liked it. I'm glad I didn't kill Bodie....

[byslantedlight.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was a lovely thing to wake up to! I adore it - most especially the first half, which is just full of everything. Writing that makes you feel! The heart-stop of Cowley suddenly speaking to Doyle, and then that second heart-jump of Bodie speaking when you thought he never would... And then the slow realisation of what's actually happened, and that nothing's certain even as yet, but that the lads are there together... Thank you very much! *vbg*

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

You are welcome! Good thing you extended the deadline, huh? *g* Seriously, this image--the one where Cowley spoke to Doyle--just took me over while driving to work. And then I had to write it. It's not much but it is kind of intense. *g*

Thanks for the opportunity!

[ailcia.livejournal.com]

Absolutely beautiful in every way: the idea, the way it was done, the tone of the writing. Really effective and REALLY well done.

Also, please allow my personal fannishness to overflow when you quote that Auden poem: so, so fitting.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I was so glad when the Auden poem worked there. It flashed into my own mind as I was in Doyle's voice, and so it seemed it might flash into his, in this particular circumstance. So, thank you for mentioning that!

And thank you in general for the comments! It was just one of those story ideas that take you over, you know? (Although I admit, the way your Bodie icon is looking to me...I feel a bit of accusation from him. "You did what?" *g*

[schnuffi.livejournal.com]

Bah - you did it again! Sitting here with my heart aching and my eyes burning. The whole thing is so bloody intense and the switch between holiday and terror - it made my stomach hitch. And yet I'm happy because of this:

"I'll be here when you wake."

And he would wake.

They're alive and will be together again. Maybe not forever but for a long long time. Thank you!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they are. Be glad I didn't write my first impulse. *g* I'm glad it was effective for you--I wanted to capture that ache that takes your breath away. But I couldn't leave you all in that place, without hope. It'll be fine.

Thank you!

[solosundance.livejournal.com]

oh my, wonderful piece of writing. Love the weave of nightmare, flashback, peace, war, sun, darkness ... it's gorgeous. And one of my personal favourite images ....

Bodie, dressed in nothing but black spandex; water glistening on his body; smelling of the sea.

... sheesh, that's a keeper!

Thank you!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, can you imagine him walking across the beach to Doyle? Who is, of course, similarly attired.... *g*

Thank you for commenting! I was in a rather ruthless mood, but I did save them in the end. *g*

[erushi.livejournal.com]

A beautiful, beautiful fic. I love how you've woven everything into one intricately gorgeous tapestry that just about made my breath catch and my heart stop as I read it. Then there was the symbolism of Icarus, that touch of Auden... and how you make us feel what the lads are feeling... *happy sigh*

Thank you so much for this brilliant, brilliant, intense read.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Oh, good, I was going for intense. *g* Really, the image of Doyle reliving--and wanting to stay in--the holiday, and Cowley's words to him, and all that they meant, was what took me over. I had to write that--had to try to convey what Doyle was feeling, to you all. But I couldn't leave it at that--couldn't leave you with Bodie dead. So...the rest grew from there. *g* But it is a moody little piece, with a lot going on underneath it. Enough, I think, to withstand a few rereads.

Thank you for commenting! I'm chuffed that it worked. (And also pleased that I'm not the only one left with the impact of that image... *g*)

[shooting2kill.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. For the first few lines I loved it, then I hated it because I couldn't take the disappointment (and intensity) of what I *thought* had happened and then, I loved it again....I think if you're going to write stuff which makes this comatosed and apathetic old Londoner actually feel again you should issue a Government Health Warning.

Oh, and did I say how much I loved it and thank you?

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I did consider a warning! *g* I also considered writing a far more bleak version. Ahem. *g* But I couldn't do that to you all. This one is plenty bleak enough, underneath. But you get down to the core of it and it's Bodie and Doyle, together. And they're going to stay that way.

I'm glad you loved it, and hated it (because that means it was effective in conveying what I'd hoped there!), and loved it again. *g*

Cheers.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

Oh, lord, am I ever glad you decided to change the image a bit. I don't think I could have borne what you must have originally had in mind. Lovely, lovely piece!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I was tempted, you know? It's the mood I'm in, and there was something so...attractive about writing that initial, gut-wrenching, scene and realization. Doyle reliving, desperately, a holiday scene, only to be pulled out of it by Cowley and the horrible reality.... But I couldn't do that to you all. I can write what I can't read--so I do understand that. *g* And then too...I wanted to make it right. So it changed, and became this. Which seems to have worked for people. *g*

The original idea would have, I think, broken your heart. But this mends it. I hope.

[gilda-elise.livejournal.com]

That's interesting, that you can write what you can't read because I'm not able to do that. Luckily, I can take death stories as long as both die, which I have written in K/S. But, for me, leaving one to face the devastating aloneness is more than I can handle...reading or writing!

[bistokids.livejournal.com]

This was - pretty devastating, actually. Especially on the first read, where I was completely taken in and convinced that you'd killed Bodie. Even the second time, though, the mental anguish that Doyle was suffering was heart-breaking. Wonderfully written - the back-and-forth between reality, Doyle's version of reality and the holiday images was fantastically skilfully done. Thank you.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

I did kill Bodie! Well, technically--by his own definition in DIAG. *g* And Doyle has no way of knowing that the last sight he'd had of Bodie wasn't reality.

The original image I had was exactly what you see here--Doyle reliving, desperately, the holiday, only to be drawn out of it by Cowley and duty and the devastating truth. Except I couldn't do that to people. (I can write what I can't read, so I do understand that. *g*) So then it turned a bit, and the hurt and the anguish became mutual. They're both injured, they're both off the squad, but they are, finally, together. Fair enough?

And it's interesting what people haven't commented on. I suspect it's buried too deep. Hmmm.... *g*

[izzie7.livejournal.com]

What can I say but a big "Me too" to everything everyone else has already said? This was beautiful, deceptive, poignant and intensely moving.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Fairly deceptive, I hope. *g* Doyle does think, as this opens, that Bodie is dead. He saw him; felt him. And he went into action believing it. But Bodie is alive, and so Doyle is, too. And they're together now, although the price for the decisions they made will be with them.

Or something like that. *g* I had hoped to be intense; to evoke that ache that people have mentioned. Thank you for letting me know it worked!

They are together! *g*

[biani.livejournal.com]

So beautiful! For a long time I didn´t know where you would go with this. As someone who actually likes death stories I´d have accepted that Bodie was really dead, but otoh I like this ending even better knowing that they´ll have another wonderful holiday ahead of them. I enjoyed this very much, thank you!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

You are welcome! I don't care for death stories as a group, but there are some gorgeous ones out there that I do reread. This one could certainly have turned out that way, but...I like it this way. *g*

Thank you for commenting!

[snailbones.livejournal.com]

Goodness - you had me scared there! It was so intense, I don't think I could have taken it if you hadn't turned it around at the last moment... and what a lovely way to let them quit and walk away into what I fondly see as a very long life together - I'm in that sort of mood!

Thanks for the great, if nerve-wracking, read *g*

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was a bit intense, I'm afraid! I was in that sort of mood. But I did make it turn out all right, and I definitely see them going off into a long life together.

Thank you for reading and commenting! Go take some deep breaths now... *g*

[sytaxia.livejournal.com]

This was simply gorgeous - stunning, heartbreaking; the memory of the holiday coming back to Doyle at the same time that Bodie brought him back, all the questions and confusion - perfectly done.

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you. I feel a little guilty as, really, it was an indulgence. But I tried to keep it real and grounded. And I liked the idea of playing with "holiday". *g*

Thank you so much for reading and commenting on it!

[heliophile-oxon.livejournal.com]

I'm desperately behind with everything I want to say after days and days when I was first computerless, and then totally internetless, and had work piling up and such - but - I just have to say I can't say how much I admire your skills. I've also just been looking at your commentary on Rules, you see. And there's just no way I can say this without sounding like I'm drivelling - but your skills really are that awesome. Here I loved the clever turnaround; we think it's Doyle desperately wanting to deny the evidence of his eyes and half out of his mind with grief, seeing Bodie not just at death's door but through it, only to realise it's actually Bodie on his feet (or nearer to being on his feet than Doyle is at the moment), grieving and desperate, and Doyle who seems to be almost breathing his last. Bloody hell. And it's very condensed here, but writ on a larger canvas in Rules; your ability to capture them at so many different levels, the way you do unreliable narrator (gods but I do love and admire an unreliable narrator!), your psychologically rounded, complex characters ... well I did say words failed me. And I loved your Rules commentary, too. Sorry to jumble this all in together, but I know if I don't say something RIGHT NOW then RL will probably trip me up again and sabotage things, and I just had to say thank you for being such an amazing writer and letting us all enjoy the results! Oh and thank you for not killing Bodie or indeed either of them ... ::cold sweats narrowly averted::
Also loved the Auden ... and that little touch of even Cowley's voice being hushed and choked.
Hope RL treats you better and lets you ease off on the stress levels, though!

[msmoat.livejournal.com]

Hey there!

I'd say the stress levels (mine) are pretty darn high right now. I've got 4 classes to teach tomorrow, for which I am only half prepared, and now it's going to be my second 12-hour day of the week (I have to go in early to do more prep), and I'm working at home tonight, and, just...wah! But I read this tonight and...thank you! It makes me feel much better. *g* I'm going to set this aside and read it again when I have time to properly savor it, but right now it just makes me feel better.

And it makes me want to get to work on the idea I have for the coda to The Acorn Syndrome. But I've got to do this work tonight instead. Ack. I was feeling a bit like the Rules commentary was too much, but...I'm so glad your enjoyed it. That makes it worthwhile. Thank you!